The Partner’s Playbook

Trying to conceive can stir up a mix of emotions, from excitement to frustration and sadness. It’s essential to create a safe space for her to express those feelings without judgment. Listen without trying to fix things – sometimes, just being there to comfort her means the most. Your support can help her feel less isolated in the process.

Understanding her menstrual cycle can give you valuable insights into the timing and emotions involved in trying to conceive. This doesn’t mean memorizing every detail, but showing an interest in the process can help her feel like you’re both in it together. It also shows that you’re committed to the journey, which can be a huge emotional support.

Conception doesn’t always happen quickly, and that can be difficult to accept. There may be months of disappointment and uncertainty. Your patience during this time can help her stay hopeful. Remind her that it’s okay if things aren’t happening as fast as expected, and you’re in this for the long haul, no matter what.

The stress of trying to conceive can sometimes feel overwhelming. Help her take the pressure off by encouraging relaxation and fun moments that are not centered around fertility. Go on date nights, take walks, and just enjoy each other’s company without the focus on trying to get pregnant. This can create a healthier and more relaxed mindset for both of you.

Sometimes fertility struggles involve visits to doctors and specialists. Be her advocate by going to appointments with her, asking questions, and ensuring she feels heard and understood. This shows her that you’re not just physically present but also emotionally invested in her well-being. It strengthens your bond and can provide a sense of reassurance during uncertain times.

Every woman’s labor is unique, even from one pregnancy to the next. Sometimes labor is over in a matter of hours. In other cases, labor tests a mother’s physical and emotional stamina. Sorry, birth partners, you won’t know how labor and childbirth will unfold until it happens. Patience is a virtue. Buckle up and hang on for the ride.

During the ride, please do not say the following:

• “How much longer is this going to take?”
• “Wake me up when it’s time for you to push!”
• “Did I get here too late?”

Women cannot eat while in active labor or for approximately eight hours prior to a scheduled c-section, so please do not ask:

• “Do you mind if I go to the cafeteria?”
• “Can I order in a pizza?”
• “Are you hungry?”

If you must leave, do not leave the room and eat food with strong aromas as you’re likely to return smelling like the juicy cheeseburger you just ate. Labor is the time where you sneak a Snickers bar in the waiting room…far, far away from the possibility that she hears you opening the package.

Take your ring off, then give her your hand. You have no idea how strong she is in the moment.

Know where the tripping hazards are. For example, the IV pole and birthing ball have sent push partners to the emergency room. Sometimes delivery can take partners by surprise, so when standing, please have a chair behind you at all times. Your pride won’t be the only thing bruised!

The only words that should be uttered during labor:

• “You are (insert any synonym for amazing, i.e. phenomenal, incredible…)”
•  “I love you!”

Both of these choices are likely to help you graduate safely to parenthood, and are also appropriate for postpartum care.

Birth is messy. It starts with amniotic fluid as soon as her water breaks, and ends hours later with a baby covered in vernix, (a creamy white substance), and blood. There will be a lot of blood. There might even be poop. Who’s poop? Doesn’t matter. You don’t get to have an opinion about it. Suck it up and hang on for the ride.

Phrases not appreciated:

• “That’s a LOT of blood.”
• “Ewwwwwwww.”
• “What’s that smell?”

It’s no secret that nurses are the lifeblood of any hospital. Your partner will likely become attached to these saints, as will you. They have loads of sage advice for new parents, but can also be a huge help for crowd control. Give your nurse a head’s up if your partner, (or you), wants a timer on YOUR mother’s visit, for example. They are happy to bust in and clear the room for vitals, taking the pressure off of the new parents and hurrying your guests along.

Labor and delivery nurses work long, unpredictable hours. If you’re in active labor, chances are they’re going to skip a lunch or dinner break to push right alongside your partner. Want to thank them? They rarely turn down food. Pro tip: Milkshakes from Cookout are never a bad idea.

The postpartum hormone drop is considered the single largest sudden hormone change in the shortest amount of time for any human being, at any point of their life cycle.

During pregnancy, estrogen and progesterone increase to very extreme levels. By about three days postpartum, your partner is essentially back to a baseline that is close to non-pregnant. So, those hormones rapidly decreasing can cause huge emotional changes.

In short, even if your partner isn’t traditionally emotional, she’s likely going to cry a lot in the first few days home after birth. Be supportive, but be prepared. This too shall pass.

Breastfeeding is hard. It can be painful, isolating and unpredictable. The best thing you can do is be supportive — regardless of if she chooses to breastfeed for 1 day or 100 days.

For night feeds, you can bring your baby to your partner in bed. After the feed, take your child for a burp and diaper change, and settle them back to sleep if necessary. This will be a big help to your partner, even if you only do it for a few night feedings.

Be patient if your partner doesn’t feel like being intimate with you. She might feel all ‘touched out’ if she’s feeding, carrying and settling a baby many times a day.

Be prepared for family roles to shift during the first weeks and months with a new baby. Your partner will barely have time for a shower some days, let alone cooking dinner or doing laundry. You’ll earn so many partner points by picking up these household duties yourself. But if that’s not possible, you can always try throwing money at it. Door Dash is never a bad idea.

Or, NOT. Let’s definitely not talk about postpartum sex until she’s ready. Regardless of how smooth the delivery went, your partner’s body has been through massive change and trauma. Please don’t remind her how long it’s been since you’ve done the deed.

“Okay, but what if she’s interested?” Count your lucky stars! However, it’s best to get clearance from her practitioner at the six-week postpartum appointment before you jump back into vaginal sex. For those who had tears or surgical cuts, sex prior to four weeks postpartum could leave her susceptible to a vaginal infection. If she had a C-section, the same postpartum sex recommendations apply because her incision takes time to heal.

What you SHOULD be talking about are her feelings and emotional state. Four out of five moms experience some change in their emotional health after pregnancy. Up to 20% of postpartum mothers experience postpartum depression (PPD) and 10% experience postpartum anxiety (PPA). There are medications to treat these symptoms that don’t hinder breastfeeding, as well as non-medicine based solutions. The first step is getting her to talk about it, and then encouraging her to speak to her practitioner.

Perimenopause and menopause bring mood swings and emotional shifts—and that’s totally normal. It’s a natural process, not her losing her cool. Your job is to stay grounded and be the calm in the storm. When the mood shifts, just saying, “I can tell you’re having a moment, how can I help?” can make all the difference. A little humor and a lot of empathy will go a long way.

Hot flashes are real, and they don’t care what you’re doing. One minute she’ll be perfectly fine, and the next, she’s radiating heat like a furnace. The best thing you can do is stay calm and be ready to help her cool down—whether that’s turning on a fan, fetching a cold drink, or offering to take the dog for a walk while she chills. It’s a small gesture, but it’s the thought that counts.

Perimenopause and menopause can feel like a taboo topic, but it doesn’t have to be. Opening up the conversation can ease a lot of tension. Ask questions like, “How are you feeling today?” or “What’s bothering you?” Make it clear that you’re not just there for the good times, but for the ups and downs, too. Plus, a little humor can help lighten the mood –”You’re going to need that fan for the next 10 years, huh?”

Perimenopause and Menopause can affect her sex drive, and that’s totally normal. It might go up, it might go down, and sometimes it feels like a mystery novel. The key here is to be patient, understanding, and open to non-sexual forms of intimacy, like cuddling, holding hands, or even just sharing a laugh. It’s about staying connected in new ways, and hey, who doesn’t love a little extra cuddle time?

It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers, and honestly, there’s no perfect “fix” for this stage of life. The best way to support her is to be there – listen, ask how you can help, and let her know you’re on this journey together. Sometimes, just acknowledging that this is a tough time and that you’re in her corner is the most meaningful support you can offer.